I wish I could teleport
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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