I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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