the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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