How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
