Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
operation harelip BJ is a go
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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