What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
It's like God shit irony all over that family
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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