I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
