i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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