i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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