i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize