You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize