Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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