Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Of course I have a pirate flag
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
