You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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