He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
