apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
