I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
