I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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