OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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