Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
