A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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