i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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