I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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