Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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