I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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