I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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