Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
