I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
