I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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