i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
