Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
