So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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