You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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