I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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