did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
