When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
