did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
