and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
