so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
