When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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