She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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