I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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