I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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