You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
