every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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