Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I did not marry a roomba.
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