I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
