He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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