you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
