Im at strip club and am horny
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
