good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
