Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
