if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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