I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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