i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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